It was not long ago that the trust and sanctity of your marriage was one of the few things in life you could count on. However, if you have found out that your wife has had an affair, you may no longer be feeling the same way.
When you first found out about the affair, it may have felt like you got punched in the gut. Infidelity in a marriage hurts the injured spouse on so many levels: it can make them feel foolish, sad, angry and even wanting to lash out in frustration.
What is most difficult of all is the common feeling that you are torn: on one level, you still love your wife. On another level, you are not sure if you can ever forgive her or trust her again.
If you are wondering how to forgive your wife after an affair, here are 7 questions to ask yourself:
1. How are you feeling - right now - in regard to the affair?
Be honest with yourself. Ask yourself how you feel. Do not be afraid to at least open up to yourself. It can be hard to admit how a person is feeling, especially for us guys. Still, if you cannot come clean with yourself, you will have a heck of a time coming to any type of resolution about what you have been through.
2. What is the main cause of that feeling?
Now, figure out what is the main reason you are feeling that way? What is it about the affair that makes you feel those emotions? While the answer may seem obvious, dig a little bit deeper. Hint: ask yourself 2-3 layers of questions. In other words, when you first answer what the cause is, ask again what the cause of THAT is until you pare it down to the root cause of that feeling.
3. What would it take for that feeling to change into something more positive?
Ask yourself if there is anything that could eventually, in time, turn that negative feeling into a positive one. See if you can even imagine that happening.
4. Is there any way your wife can change what she did?
The answer this question may seem obvious, but ask it of yourself anyway: can your wife change what she did? Sit with the answer to that question for a bit.
5. Is there anything your wife can say which could turn your feelings into more positive ones?
Now, imagine you were talking with your wife right now. What could she say or do to help the feeling of forgiveness for her to well up in your heart – if anything?
6. Can you imagine yourself ever being able to trust your wife again?
Close your eyes and picture a future version of yourself: can you picture yourself ever being able to trust your wife again? Is it even remotely possible, or is the trust so badly shattered that you will never be able to get yourself to a forgiving place?
7. What could you and your wife do to restore your relationship to what it once was?
Ask yourself whether there is anything that you and your wife could work on together to restore the trust and love you once had.
If you rushed through the answering of these questions, do yourself a favor and go through each one again. Take at least 5 minutes to answer each one for yourself. Once you have, you will know what to do next.