I recently heard from a wife who was very emotionally torn. She was trying very hard to deal with her husband's recent affair and, quite understandably, she was struggling. On top of all of this, her husband kept repeating that the huge mistake that he made (his affair) had made him suddenly realize how very much he loved her. He kept telling her that this whole thing had made him realize that he loved his wife today more than he ever had before. The threat of losing her had apparently made him appreciate her even more and caused him to see her in a whole new way (at least according to him.)
The wife confided to me that his declarations of love were actually making her more angry with her husband. These assertions were not helping her husband's cause at all. The reason for this was that she perceived that he was lying to her yet again. She could not understand how you could allegedly love someone so passionately but yet still cheat on them. Further, she could not understand how (or believe that) her husband could go from desiring another woman a mere few months ago to desperately loving her just a short time later.
I understand this completely. It's completely normal to question these things. Because he's already lied to you once on a grand scale. So, it would be silly for you to just blindly believe him. However, I do often also hear from men in this situation. And, I can share with you what they tell me. Now, perhaps they are fibbing to me too, but I'm not sure what they would gain from that. In the following article, I will share with you what they tell me. And, I will tell you from my research, experience and perspective, how likely it is that a man can love his wife more after he has an affair.
Is It Possible For A Man Who Had An Affair To Never Stop Loving His Wife?: Men will often insist that the affair had absolutely nothing to do with how he feels about (or felt about) his wife. It can be very hard to buy this. Obviously, they probably weren't solely thinking about their wives when they were with the other person. But, if you can listen to what they say without judgment and anger (as difficult as this may be,) you'll often hear them say that they aren't sure what got into them or what they were thinking.
In fact, they will often tell you that they were not thinking but were in fact only reacting. And, many times, there is some major stressor going on in their lives at that time. Although it's very rare for any one to realize it at the time, there is often a life crises, let down, or realization that they are not where they hoped to be at this time or phase in their life.
So, they often are looking for excitement, or self esteem, or affirmation from the person who happens to be available at the time. Note that this means this other woman was just available, not special or one of a kind. Many wives just can not understand why their husbands would not turn to them for these affirmations or reassurances. That's the million dollar question, isn't it? I don't have a definitive answer, but my theory is that they see this as weakness or neediness. They don't want for you to see this vulnerable side to them. And, the other woman has no clue whatsoever what she is a part of.
With her, he, at least momentarily, feels young, in control, successful, exciting, and validated. Of course, this is short lived. They can't see that at the time, of course. They are only thinking of the moment and of feeling better. Eventually, they come to see that they were looking for lasting changes with only foolish and short term solutions. This is often when they are desperately sorry and are willing to pull out all of the stops to make things right. But of course, by then, the cat is out of bag and the damage is done.
This is often when you begin to hear all of those reassurances that his feelings for you never changed. And, in his own mind, this is often his truth. He absolutely believes this – most of the time. I'm not saying that there aren't men who are saying this just to get back into your good graces. But, there are others who are telling you the truth as they know it.
Men Who Have Affairs Are Sometimes "Scared Straight" When The Threat Of Losing You Appears Real: I often have men tell me that they suddenly wake up and realize exactly what they have put at risk by their deceptive and deplorable behavior. It's suddenly very clear to them that all they've worked for, loved, and held dear is now in serious jeopardy. And, when they have to look their wounded and hurt wife right in the face and see how much they have devastated her, it suddenly hits very close to home for them.
They realize that they've been incredibly stupid and destructive. They realize that they've acted like a child while their wife has been the responsible adult. And, they realize that they've risked this adult relationship for someone who was really a stranger to them.
These are only examples, of course. I don't know your situation. And, I can't definitively say if the woman's husband was sincere when he told her that he realized that he loved her even more after his affair. But, I can tell you that many men who have no reason to lie to me and they tell me that their huge mistake has made them realize how much they have taken their wife for granted. And, these emotions can most definitely bring out strong and loving feelings. That's not to say that some men won't play the love card when their backs are against the wall and they risk losing everything.
But if they didn't care about that loss, would the assertions of love be coming out? That's a question that only you can answer.
I know that his assertations of love can seem false and can appear to be even more lies. I suspected this to, but I moved forward any way and that eventually worked for me. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband's affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/