I recently got an email from a wife who was trying to recover from the affair that her husband had last year. Unlike many emails that I get, this wife stated time and time again that she knew that her husband loved her and always had. She did not question this at all. What she did question was how someone could cheat on a person who they loved. Because, no matter what was going on in the marriage, the wife would never, ever, cheat on her husband and she could not understand how he could do the same.
So, in the following article, I'll share with you some of the insights I get from married men who have cheated which shed some light on how they are able to cheat or have an affair when they love their wife.
Cheating Usually Stems From Problems That The Man Is Having With Himself Rather Than Any Problem With His Wife Or With The Marriage: It's so common for a wife to take a husband's affair as a reflection of herself. She will think that there's something wrong with her or the marriage. This isn't always the case. Many times, the husband will swear that the affair has absolutely nothing to do with his feelings for his wife. It actually has more to do with his feelings about himself.
This is often why you'll see a married man having an affair at some vulnerable point in his life like middle age, or when he's lost a job, parent, or something else important to him. Usually, he's experienced some disappointment or crisis that makes him doubt his own appeal or competence. The affair is usually a way to confirm for him that he's still desirable and worthy.
Now, I know what you're probably thinking. You're probably thinking. as I was, "well, why didn't he seek confirmation from his own wife who would've given it to him?" Your theory is probably as good as mine. But, most men who have discussed this with me tell me that they did not want to expose their wives to this vulnerability and weakness. In their own minds, they figured that they would solve this problem on their own.
They really are able to see this process as something as separate from their marriage. And, they very rarely think it through. They act on impulse and aren't thinking about consequences at the time. They never intend for you to be hurt or to find out. They figure that in a short period of time, they will work this out and resume their old life in a better place.
Confronting The Issues Within Him: Most people will go to marital counseling following an affair. And, this is a very good idea. The marriage is usually going to need some work to recover and often an objective professional can be vital to the process. But sometimes I have women who tell me that their husband is a repeat offender, even with marital counseling. He's cheated more than once. They don't understand why this keeps happening. And yet, they know that he really does love them. But, he can't seem to stay faithful.
When I hear of these circumstances, my first inclination is to think that the husband never addressed the issue within him. He's trying to restore his self esteem or whatever his crisis is through this unfaithful behavior and yet, even when he's caught, he does nothing to fix whatever it is within himself (even if he does try to fix his marriage and his relationship with his wife.) So, he never removed the vulnerabilities that are still unchecked inside of him.
Does this excuse his repeat infidelity? Absolutely not. And, the more instances of infidelity there are, the less of a chance the marriage has to really recover. When a man knows how much his infidelity has hurt you and then repeats that all over again, it's a real problem. So, it's in both of your best interest to address whatever his own lacking are when you are also addressing the marriage.
Many wives misunderstand why married men cheat. They think there's something wrong with the marriage, the wife, or the intimacy in that relationship. These things might come in to play, but more often, the cheating is the husband's attempt to quiet his own self doubt and vulnerability. And these things have nothing to do with his love for his wife.
I know that dealing with his cheating and the doubts can be very challenging and painful, but it can truly be worth it. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, I did eventually truly get over the affair. My marriage is stronger than ever. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/